Days go by..

Someone always ends up hurt in the end. The good guy, the bad guy, or even girl for that matter. How can you even decide in such a situation when you don't want to end up hurting anyone? Prediction is that in the end, I am the one who winds up being the hurt one. It always ends that way. I am stressed to the max ! I need to focus again, because when I get stressed out it seems I turn back to the one thing that I find comfort in. Food. I was doing so good. Working out everyday, eating right, I was on a great path. Then lightning strikes, and my world shifts and I end up right back where I started. How am I ever going to find someone who will truly love me when I can't even truly love myself? I need to find a good place within myself and stay there. I need to take a day for me and just figure everything out. Like that will happen, when the kids get flaked on two days in a row. Guess he is pushing for 4 weeks. I like being able to hide out in my room alone at night and listen to music. Although it seems when I have a lot on my mind and a deep song comes on I can't help but to just cry. Crying for me seems to help. Tonight I think I will just fight the tears back though. Tonight crying will get me no where. I want to leave this place so bad. Take the boys and just go. What a fight that would be, but it could really be worth it in the end. I hate my life here. There has to be something more out there. I really don't want history to repeat itself, but deep down I sort of know it is. I am going to end up just like my mom. A single mother. All alone. It's all his fault that I have this huge wall up. Why do I keep refusing to let people in ? The fear of being hurt, or having people truly know who I am scares me. People always seem to let me down and I find by blocking people out from really seeing who I am keeps me safe in the long run. On top of always being told how mean I am, how aggressive I can be, and how rude I get, it's just easier that way. Block people out and don't let them see that you can actually be nice, that you just want to have someone bring out the best in yourself. Once again I feel like I seem to ramble on about the most random thing so I am closing up shop and calling it a night !

Thoughts of mine..

So lately I have been thinking about the big topic of marriage, not that I will be doing that any time soon, but still it does cross my mind. Like seriously, it seems like no one stays married anymore, so is there any real point in doing it? I see marriage as a one time only deal. There is a reason you say the words, "'till death do us part", and I think too many people don't give their marriage a fighting chance. Obviously in relationships this seems to happen to, but at least there is less to lose at this point. From previous experiences with relationship, I can honestly say I gave it a fighting chance. This is more so with my ex, and father of my two boys. How many chances should you give someone before you should just give up ? Is it even fair to put a number on something like that ? Personally, I am glad I didn't settle and try to make it work. Three years of lying an cheating to make a "happy" family isn't worth it to me. I'd rather be a single mom for the rest of my life before ever settling with someone who doesn't want me. Yet here is the part where I think I feel like I am failing my boys. I know what it feels like to grow up in a split home, and never really seeing my dad. Honestly looking back now I think I was fine because I had my mom, but the boys definitely should have some sort of male figure in their life. I enjoy being a parent so much and the fun times going out and doing stuff with them. Yet I want to be a complete family, but I don't think anyone can really handle the fact of me having two kids, on top of everything else. It's a lot to take in and I get that. Only time will tell where I will end up or what will happen with the boys and myself.

Try to figure me out..

Waking up this morning, thoughts are racing through my head. Walking over to the bathroom, glancing in the mirror. Who have I become? I know, I have become someone I never wanted to become. Alone, in a sense and disgusted, with myself. How is it that I always allow myself to get to this point? Life has a funny way of taking a toll on me. At times when I really don't expect for it to, nor need it to either for that matter. Seriously, when I think I am on a good path or that things are looking up, life has a way of bringing me back down. Put on your happy face, Amanda. Or at least that fake happy one that usually seems to help the days pass by. Okay, I get it. Yes things on the outside aren't that bad. My kids are my life and my world, but there has to be more. More for them, more for us. It has seriously been three weeks since they have seen their father. THREE weeks. What a joke ! This could be the reason I wake up feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like I am failing, when deep down I know it's him, not me. I wish there was more I could do. More for them, not so much myself. My issues are not a concern at the moment. My happiness can always be pushed to the side and addressed at another moment in life. It's funny, I am feeling so bummed out after coming back from a pretty fun vacation too. I think I have people in my life that are bringing me down, and they may not even notice it. You know those kind of people who don't realize they are bringing you down and by doing so they feel better about themselves. Yeah, those are the kind of people I tend to have in my life. The ones who point out the flaws you have and somehow once they have kicked you until you can't stand anymore, they feel like they are on top and have done no wrong. Maybe I need to learn to be a little tougher. Maybe I need to learn to defend myself. I have always been quite happy with myself, in all aspects, but like I said once you are completely kicked down, it sure is hard to stand back up. Get back up Amanda, you can do it !