Try to figure me out..

Waking up this morning, thoughts are racing through my head. Walking over to the bathroom, glancing in the mirror. Who have I become? I know, I have become someone I never wanted to become. Alone, in a sense and disgusted, with myself. How is it that I always allow myself to get to this point? Life has a funny way of taking a toll on me. At times when I really don't expect for it to, nor need it to either for that matter. Seriously, when I think I am on a good path or that things are looking up, life has a way of bringing me back down. Put on your happy face, Amanda. Or at least that fake happy one that usually seems to help the days pass by. Okay, I get it. Yes things on the outside aren't that bad. My kids are my life and my world, but there has to be more. More for them, more for us. It has seriously been three weeks since they have seen their father. THREE weeks. What a joke ! This could be the reason I wake up feeling like the worst person ever. I feel like I am failing, when deep down I know it's him, not me. I wish there was more I could do. More for them, not so much myself. My issues are not a concern at the moment. My happiness can always be pushed to the side and addressed at another moment in life. It's funny, I am feeling so bummed out after coming back from a pretty fun vacation too. I think I have people in my life that are bringing me down, and they may not even notice it. You know those kind of people who don't realize they are bringing you down and by doing so they feel better about themselves. Yeah, those are the kind of people I tend to have in my life. The ones who point out the flaws you have and somehow once they have kicked you until you can't stand anymore, they feel like they are on top and have done no wrong. Maybe I need to learn to be a little tougher. Maybe I need to learn to defend myself. I have always been quite happy with myself, in all aspects, but like I said once you are completely kicked down, it sure is hard to stand back up. Get back up Amanda, you can do it !