Days go by..

Someone always ends up hurt in the end. The good guy, the bad guy, or even girl for that matter. How can you even decide in such a situation when you don't want to end up hurting anyone? Prediction is that in the end, I am the one who winds up being the hurt one. It always ends that way. I am stressed to the max ! I need to focus again, because when I get stressed out it seems I turn back to the one thing that I find comfort in. Food. I was doing so good. Working out everyday, eating right, I was on a great path. Then lightning strikes, and my world shifts and I end up right back where I started. How am I ever going to find someone who will truly love me when I can't even truly love myself? I need to find a good place within myself and stay there. I need to take a day for me and just figure everything out. Like that will happen, when the kids get flaked on two days in a row. Guess he is pushing for 4 weeks. I like being able to hide out in my room alone at night and listen to music. Although it seems when I have a lot on my mind and a deep song comes on I can't help but to just cry. Crying for me seems to help. Tonight I think I will just fight the tears back though. Tonight crying will get me no where. I want to leave this place so bad. Take the boys and just go. What a fight that would be, but it could really be worth it in the end. I hate my life here. There has to be something more out there. I really don't want history to repeat itself, but deep down I sort of know it is. I am going to end up just like my mom. A single mother. All alone. It's all his fault that I have this huge wall up. Why do I keep refusing to let people in ? The fear of being hurt, or having people truly know who I am scares me. People always seem to let me down and I find by blocking people out from really seeing who I am keeps me safe in the long run. On top of always being told how mean I am, how aggressive I can be, and how rude I get, it's just easier that way. Block people out and don't let them see that you can actually be nice, that you just want to have someone bring out the best in yourself. Once again I feel like I seem to ramble on about the most random thing so I am closing up shop and calling it a night !